In the 1920s and 1930s Col. I. B. Dearne, an imaginary (we can only hope) character who frequently sent letters to the editor of the Bossier Banner, wrote the following letter to the editor. The letter was printed in the July 12, 1928 issue of the Bossier Banner. 1928 was an election year and the Republican National Convention was held in Kansas City and the Democratic Convention was held in Houston. It appears that Col. Dearne attended both conventions.
“Dear Ed: Well, I was gone a little longer than I expected to be. I intended to come home right after the fuss in K. C., but the day that thing was over I didn’t know the way home and as soon as I was able to make the trip I went on down to Houston to the Democratic Convulsion. After all, I was glad to get back home and take a bath. I intended to take a bath while I was gone but decided that as I was pretty well soaked all the time there would be no need of a bath until I came home.”
Well, Ed, I’ve been to lots of stag parties in my time but those two beat all the poker games I ever saw. I couldn’t tell heads nor tails of things, but slept very well through several eloquent verbal lambastings.”
“I was called on to deliver the keyhole speech at Houston but was asleep at the time and the boys wouldn’t wake me up. Ed, I am terribly disappointed with the choice of both parties. I don’t like Hoover, because he might take a notion to cut our sugar short like he did during the war and that would greatly hamper our laboratory work. [The laboratory work was undoubtedly making moonshine.] Otherwise, I think Herbert would be a very nice boy for the place. I am opposed to Smith because if he is elected he might put all the Smiths on a pension and make the other half of the country’s population feed them. Otherwise, I think Alfred will be K. O.”
“I told the boys at Houston if they’d nominate Jessie H. Jones on the ticket with Al and could muster the votes of all the Smiths and Joneses the followers of the donkey would be certain of victory in November.”
“Ed, I regret that I had to disappoint so many of my friends who begged me, with tears in their eyes, to allow my name to be placed before the Combustion at Houston, but I just couldn’t see where I could spare the time out of my crop to serve as President. Maybe I’ll run next time.”
“I talked with several of the boys, Ed, who are prominent in both parties and was assured that both conventions would meet in Benton in 1932. So you folks begin to get ready for the invasion.”
“Well, Ed, I am still suffering from a headache, contracted while trying to spend a very insane Fourth and, trusting you are the same, I will close.” Col. I. B. Dearne. Ida, La., July 9, 1928
Old issues of the Bossier Banner can be very entertaining so visit the Bossier Parish Library Historical Center to find out what was going on in Bossier Parish in the past.
Ann Middleton is Director of the Bossier Parish Library Historical Center. She can be reached at (318) 746-7717 or amiddlet@state.lib.la.us.